It's been a while and life can change in an instant

Soooo, It's been quite a while since I have sat down to write and I miss it.  Recently I have had the lesson about how life can literally change in an instant reiterated in my life.  About 7 weeks ago I was in a fairly serious car accident.  One moment I was driving to work down a semi-back road (they are usually safer, right???) and the next thing I know I am on a different road facing a different direction and there is pain.  I know people's first thoughts in an accident are usually along the lines of "OMG!"  Not mine.  My thought was, "You've got to be kidding me.  Someone needs to call Isaac and my mom.  Oh and can't forget to tell the boss I won't be in today."

Let's back up a little bit.  Before the accident, life was going pretty well.  I was doing great at work and learning new things.  My back pain was minimal and pretty stable.  Husband and I had just gotten back from our anniversary trip to see Mickey (where else would we have gone?).  We had booked our cruise for the week before Christmas and came up with a payment plan.  My pups were sweet as ever and having a great time playing fetch at the puppy playground.  Life was good.

Then I see something out of the corner of my eye and focused on this teenage boy's face with a look of shock as he is barreling toward me and careening into the front driver side of my car.  **Insert info given above** At first I thought the kid had driven off.  Apparently when he realized that there were at least 5-10 witnesses of road work crew right there, he pulled over in a drive way.  My body instantly hated me and shortly there after I found myself being pulled out of my car and onto a backboard.  They are less fun than they look.  :)

As I'm lying in the ambulance, the EMT leans over me (mind you my head is strapped down to this board along with the rest of my body) and says, "Some guy just tore in here on a small scooter thing. Do you know him?"  I laughed and announced that he was my husband.  She responded, "What? You didn't want to be transported to the hospital on that?"

At the hospital I was poked, prodded, and drugged.  Since then I have seen 3 different specialists and had 3 different MRI's.  Next up: Nerve conduction tests (I can't feel much in my arm) and more nerve cauterizations. Yay for me!  LOL.

I share all of this to say, "Life happens".  One instant life is peachy.  The next, you now have 2 herniated discs in your neck, have a lower back that's worse, and have almost no strength or feeling in your arm and it's turning funny colors.  I could sit here and be cranky and all "woe is me", but I don't play like that.  Yes, I have my down right painful and crappy days sometimes where I just can't muster a smile. It happens to us all.  On those days where we have the strength to fight the "crankies" that come one, we have to fight with all our might.  I was born a fighter.  My body is messed up.  I know that.  The difference is, I'm not going to let these possibly life long issues (I say possibly because I'm waiting on my miracle) get me down and make me a cranky pants.

One of my awesome aunts sends me letters every so often.  A few years ago she jotted something down on one of those cartoon with a saying notepad things you stick on the fridge.  You know what I'm talking about.  Well, this one had a great saying.  "Put your big girl panties on and get over it."  I laughed when I got it and she said she didn't even realize she sent it on that.  I loved it and now apply it to as much of my life as possible.  Everyday I have a choice.  I can A) let the pain take over and catch the crankies OR B) Put my big girl panties on and take on the world.

Life can and will change in an instant.  How bad that change can be partly depends on how you choose to deal with it.  Today, I put my big girl panties on!

I can't put on my big girl britches today

I have been dealing with spinal complications for the past 12+ years.  It wasn't until the past 4-5 years that things have gotten really bad with the degeneration and pain levels.  Currently I am dealing with scoliosis, spinabifda, arthritis, a severely bulging disc, 3 herniated discs, 3 tears in my discs and degenerative disc disease.  This is all located withing 7 bones in my lower back.  Sounds fun, right?

I have always tried to be a positive person and some of the quotes I live by are "On the bright side..." and "Put on your big girl britches and move on."  Both of these are meant to be inspirational and remind me that yes, some days are not the best, but there is always something good, some glimmer of hope if you just take the time to look for it.

Well, today just flat out sucks! (Mom, if you are reading this one, I know you have the "s" word, but just deal with it today, ok?)  Living a life where pain is constantly present isn't fun or easy no matter how many smiles you can put on your face.  I haven't had a fully pain free day in years.  If you have ever been to the hospital in pain; typically you will see a little chart that helps you define you pain on a scale from 1-10.

That is basically the chart I was looking for.  This one is my favorite, because it's more than just happy and sad faces.  It describes your limitations and helps put into worse the amount of pain you are experiencing.

Well, back to my point, on my best days I am at a 2.  Most typical days I am at a 4-5.  Today I was a 10.  If only 10's were perfect scores; my life would be happier.  Unfortunately not the case here.  I have good days and I have bad days.  Today was just a flat out horrible day.  I made it through as much work as possible and almost lasted the whole day until I could no longer find a comfortable position, couldn't see straight and was about to cry again.

Pain sucks.  That's all there is to it.  Most days I can put on my big girl britches and be just fine.  Today was not one of those days.  As much as I advocate for finding the bright side to a situation or putting on your big kid britches, it doesn't always work.  Sometimes you just need to stop and cry.  You can't always play a superhero.  Even some of them eventually die.    It is horrible living in pain.  Most people have no idea what you are going through.  Others look at you like you are crazy, because you are only 25.  It makes you feel really alone and alienated.  Life just doesn't seem fair.

Today was one of those days.  Sometimes, just a cry can bring some relief in itself.  Today, I cried, wrote, took "happy pills" and will live to see another day.  Just hopefully not one like this too soon.  As crappy as the day is. As much as I don't want to admit it.  There were some rays of sunshine in it.  I have a great friend who lets me crash in her office during my lunch.  I have a great boss who is insanely understanding and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm looking rough.  I have sweet students who give me a hug or comforting pat on the back to let me know they care.  I have a mom who will listen to me cry from 4+ hours away and tell me crazy stories about how she kept waking up my stepdad last night while she was just trying to turn on the fan, but instead blinded him with the light at 2am.  Most important of all, I have a truly amazing, loving, caring, compassionate husband who lays down his life for me everyday.  Isaac knew what he was getting into when he married me.  And he still did it.  I can no longer cook often, clean at all, or do any laundry.  It's all his job now and he doesn't mind.  He just keeps telling me how special I am to him and how much he loves me and just holds me on those really bad days.  I could not have asked for a better man.  We will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary this Sunday.

Funny/ironic part is that we are spending part of our anniversary weekend traveling down to Shands in Gainesville (YUCK!) to meet a doctor who can hopefully, finally give me some answers and renewed hope to be in less or no pain.  As much as life sucks, there is always a glimmer of hope, but for tonight, I'm not going to try and put on a brave face.  I'm just going to take what I need to get relief and let any other tears flow.  In the famous words of Scarlet O'Hara, "After all, tomorrow is another day!"

Thank you to all of my friends and family that brighten up my life.  You will never understand how much your kinda words or silent hugs mean on days like today.

It's that time again

Yesterday, I sat down with my 2011 and 2012 calendars side-by-side.  Every year I like to go through my old calendar and record any important dates from the old into the new.  There are way to many birthdays and anniversaries among my family and friends to try and remember it all!  During this process it's always interesting to see what has taken place over the last year.  As I was going back through 2011, it was amusing to me to see what mood I was in by my handwriting for that month or weeks events.  Sometimes it was nice and light and happy.  Other times, I had that pen pressed so hard onto that page that marks were left on the next.  Some days were filled with multiple exclamation points and others just plan matter of fact doctors appointments.  This past year seemed to have a little of everything.

In January, I was undergoing some nerve cauterization in my back.  I remember being nervous and excited all at the same time.  There was hope that I wouldn't be dealing with most of my spinal pain at that point once the procedures were complete.  Three days after the procedure I wrote "NO MORE PAIN!!!!" on the calendar. Having dealt with pinched nerves and having the feeling of a never ending electrical shock down my leg, I was ecstatic that after all the numbing wore off I felt fairly normal and was walking without a limp any more.  11 months later some of that pain has returned along with worsening of other complications in my spine.  Someone asked me the other day if I regretted the cauterization of those 5 nerves back in January.  When I looked back and saw the joy in my penmanship on that third day, I knew there were no regrets.  The pain was almost completely gone for 9 months.  I knew when I had the procedure done that there was always a possibility that my body would regenerate those nerves and they would probably get pinched from time to time, but it was still worth it.

February brought the celebration of our first anniversary of marriage.  We brought out the top of our cake from the wedding and let it thaw out.  All our friends had mixed reviews of their wedding cake a year later so we were excited to see how it turned out.  We cut into our first slice and began laughing.  For some reason they covered our top layer in, no lie, an INCH THICK layer of icing!  There was only a small amount of cake under all that icing.  We enjoyed a few slices and then threw it away.  It was fun to look back at our wedding photos and honeymoon pics.

In March, I left a job for a new dental office with a steady schedule and better pay.  Things were great at first until May came around and the doctor called me into her office.  Apparently the office manager didn't like the fact that I was a jack of all trades and made her look bad.  As she was crying and telling me it was the worst and most wrong decision she had ever made, the doctor released me from my job.  I was a whirlwind spring and summer trying to collect unemployment and find a new job.

June came and with it the celebration of my 25th and gram's 66th birthdays.  It's an amazing, indescribable thing to share your birthday with your grandmother.  This year we decided to celebrate with the mouse!  Mom, gram, Tracie and I all met down in Orlando and spent the weekend together.  We spent our actual birthday at Disney World and what a joy it was to see the delight on my grandmother's face as we enjoyed all the rides.  Don't think for a second that 66 slowed my grandmother down one bit!  She kept up with us and was going strong from 9am until midnight when we left.  Somehow, we even convinced her to go on splash mountain.  As we got closer to the front, you could tell how worried she was getting about the big drop.  All my mother could think about was my grandmother having a heart attack on her birthday, but gram went on the ride like a champ.  Once we were done and soaking wet, you couldn't get gram to stop talking about how much she loved it and it was her new favorite ride.  The fireworks show was an amazing end to the beginning of my 25th year.

July and August came and went and I was still looking for a job. To cheer me up, Isaac and took me back to see Mickey and then mom and I flew up to Bristol for the night race.  It was Friday afternoon and mom and I were headed into town to see the Nascar Hauler Parade (a must see at least once in your life) when my phone rang.  The number came from FSU, but wasn't my husband's.  I answered and was asked to come in for a job interview the next week.  I had my job interview on Tuesday and by Friday was starting my new job!  August turned out to be a great month.

Around October, I noticed that my back pain was becoming more frequent and getting stronger.  My doctors and I tried a few new things and saw a rheumatologist.  The rheumatology tests showed nothing on their end and all of my docs agreed on sending me down to Shands next year.  There is no reason that a 25 year old should be having multiple tears in the discs, a bulging disc, multiple herniations, along with the spinabifida,  scoliosis, and arthritis in my lower back.  I was tired of treating the symptoms and having to take stronger and stronger drugs to be able to attempt to live a normal life.  We all agreed that Shands should (hopefully) be able to determine why my body is degenerating and possibly come up with ways to slow down the process and better control the pain.  It hasn't been a really fun fall or winter to say the least, but things will get better.

We just got back from our Christmas vacation a few days ago.  It was a great week visiting with our families and shopping with my mom.  We got great gifts and the pups are stocked up on treats and rawhides for the foreseeable future (Spoiled grand pups!).  Now it's time to take down the Christmas tree and pack away all of the Tinks for the year.  This year, like may more to come, has had it's ups and downs.  There are good days and down right crappy days.  On the bright side, if the past is any indication of things to come; we know that no matter how blah life becomes, things will eventually begin to turn around.

Wishing you and yours a safe New Years Eve and blessed 2012!