Soooo, It's been quite a while since I have sat down to write and I miss it. Recently I have had the lesson about how life can literally change in an instant reiterated in my life. About 7 weeks ago I was in a fairly serious car accident. One moment I was driving to work down a semi-back road (they are usually safer, right???) and the next thing I know I am on a different road facing a different direction and there is pain. I know people's first thoughts in an accident are usually along the lines of "OMG!" Not mine. My thought was, "You've got to be kidding me. Someone needs to call Isaac and my mom. Oh and can't forget to tell the boss I won't be in today."
Let's back up a little bit. Before the accident, life was going pretty well. I was doing great at work and learning new things. My back pain was minimal and pretty stable. Husband and I had just gotten back from our anniversary trip to see Mickey (where else would we have gone?). We had booked our cruise for the week before Christmas and came up with a payment plan. My pups were sweet as ever and having a great time playing fetch at the puppy playground. Life was good.
Then I see something out of the corner of my eye and focused on this teenage boy's face with a look of shock as he is barreling toward me and careening into the front driver side of my car. **Insert info given above** At first I thought the kid had driven off. Apparently when he realized that there were at least 5-10 witnesses of road work crew right there, he pulled over in a drive way. My body instantly hated me and shortly there after I found myself being pulled out of my car and onto a backboard. They are less fun than they look. :)
As I'm lying in the ambulance, the EMT leans over me (mind you my head is strapped down to this board along with the rest of my body) and says, "Some guy just tore in here on a small scooter thing. Do you know him?" I laughed and announced that he was my husband. She responded, "What? You didn't want to be transported to the hospital on that?"
At the hospital I was poked, prodded, and drugged. Since then I have seen 3 different specialists and had 3 different MRI's. Next up: Nerve conduction tests (I can't feel much in my arm) and more nerve cauterizations. Yay for me! LOL.
I share all of this to say, "Life happens". One instant life is peachy. The next, you now have 2 herniated discs in your neck, have a lower back that's worse, and have almost no strength or feeling in your arm and it's turning funny colors. I could sit here and be cranky and all "woe is me", but I don't play like that. Yes, I have my down right painful and crappy days sometimes where I just can't muster a smile. It happens to us all. On those days where we have the strength to fight the "crankies" that come one, we have to fight with all our might. I was born a fighter. My body is messed up. I know that. The difference is, I'm not going to let these possibly life long issues (I say possibly because I'm waiting on my miracle) get me down and make me a cranky pants.
One of my awesome aunts sends me letters every so often. A few years ago she jotted something down on one of those cartoon with a saying notepad things you stick on the fridge. You know what I'm talking about. Well, this one had a great saying. "Put your big girl panties on and get over it." I laughed when I got it and she said she didn't even realize she sent it on that. I loved it and now apply it to as much of my life as possible. Everyday I have a choice. I can A) let the pain take over and catch the crankies OR B) Put my big girl panties on and take on the world.
Life can and will change in an instant. How bad that change can be partly depends on how you choose to deal with it. Today, I put my big girl panties on!
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
I can't put on my big girl britches today
I have been dealing with spinal complications for the past 12+ years. It wasn't until the past 4-5 years that things have gotten really bad with the degeneration and pain levels. Currently I am dealing with scoliosis, spinabifda, arthritis, a severely bulging disc, 3 herniated discs, 3 tears in my discs and degenerative disc disease. This is all located withing 7 bones in my lower back. Sounds fun, right?
I have always tried to be a positive person and some of the quotes I live by are "On the bright side..." and "Put on your big girl britches and move on." Both of these are meant to be inspirational and remind me that yes, some days are not the best, but there is always something good, some glimmer of hope if you just take the time to look for it.
Well, today just flat out sucks! (Mom, if you are reading this one, I know you have the "s" word, but just deal with it today, ok?) Living a life where pain is constantly present isn't fun or easy no matter how many smiles you can put on your face. I haven't had a fully pain free day in years. If you have ever been to the hospital in pain; typically you will see a little chart that helps you define you pain on a scale from 1-10.
That is basically the chart I was looking for. This one is my favorite, because it's more than just happy and sad faces. It describes your limitations and helps put into worse the amount of pain you are experiencing.
Well, back to my point, on my best days I am at a 2. Most typical days I am at a 4-5. Today I was a 10. If only 10's were perfect scores; my life would be happier. Unfortunately not the case here. I have good days and I have bad days. Today was just a flat out horrible day. I made it through as much work as possible and almost lasted the whole day until I could no longer find a comfortable position, couldn't see straight and was about to cry again.
Pain sucks. That's all there is to it. Most days I can put on my big girl britches and be just fine. Today was not one of those days. As much as I advocate for finding the bright side to a situation or putting on your big kid britches, it doesn't always work. Sometimes you just need to stop and cry. You can't always play a superhero. Even some of them eventually die. It is horrible living in pain. Most people have no idea what you are going through. Others look at you like you are crazy, because you are only 25. It makes you feel really alone and alienated. Life just doesn't seem fair.
Today was one of those days. Sometimes, just a cry can bring some relief in itself. Today, I cried, wrote, took "happy pills" and will live to see another day. Just hopefully not one like this too soon. As crappy as the day is. As much as I don't want to admit it. There were some rays of sunshine in it. I have a great friend who lets me crash in her office during my lunch. I have a great boss who is insanely understanding and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm looking rough. I have sweet students who give me a hug or comforting pat on the back to let me know they care. I have a mom who will listen to me cry from 4+ hours away and tell me crazy stories about how she kept waking up my stepdad last night while she was just trying to turn on the fan, but instead blinded him with the light at 2am. Most important of all, I have a truly amazing, loving, caring, compassionate husband who lays down his life for me everyday. Isaac knew what he was getting into when he married me. And he still did it. I can no longer cook often, clean at all, or do any laundry. It's all his job now and he doesn't mind. He just keeps telling me how special I am to him and how much he loves me and just holds me on those really bad days. I could not have asked for a better man. We will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary this Sunday.
Funny/ironic part is that we are spending part of our anniversary weekend traveling down to Shands in Gainesville (YUCK!) to meet a doctor who can hopefully, finally give me some answers and renewed hope to be in less or no pain. As much as life sucks, there is always a glimmer of hope, but for tonight, I'm not going to try and put on a brave face. I'm just going to take what I need to get relief and let any other tears flow. In the famous words of Scarlet O'Hara, "After all, tomorrow is another day!"
Thank you to all of my friends and family that brighten up my life. You will never understand how much your kinda words or silent hugs mean on days like today.
I have always tried to be a positive person and some of the quotes I live by are "On the bright side..." and "Put on your big girl britches and move on." Both of these are meant to be inspirational and remind me that yes, some days are not the best, but there is always something good, some glimmer of hope if you just take the time to look for it.
Well, today just flat out sucks! (Mom, if you are reading this one, I know you have the "s" word, but just deal with it today, ok?) Living a life where pain is constantly present isn't fun or easy no matter how many smiles you can put on your face. I haven't had a fully pain free day in years. If you have ever been to the hospital in pain; typically you will see a little chart that helps you define you pain on a scale from 1-10.
Well, back to my point, on my best days I am at a 2. Most typical days I am at a 4-5. Today I was a 10. If only 10's were perfect scores; my life would be happier. Unfortunately not the case here. I have good days and I have bad days. Today was just a flat out horrible day. I made it through as much work as possible and almost lasted the whole day until I could no longer find a comfortable position, couldn't see straight and was about to cry again.
Pain sucks. That's all there is to it. Most days I can put on my big girl britches and be just fine. Today was not one of those days. As much as I advocate for finding the bright side to a situation or putting on your big kid britches, it doesn't always work. Sometimes you just need to stop and cry. You can't always play a superhero. Even some of them eventually die. It is horrible living in pain. Most people have no idea what you are going through. Others look at you like you are crazy, because you are only 25. It makes you feel really alone and alienated. Life just doesn't seem fair.
Today was one of those days. Sometimes, just a cry can bring some relief in itself. Today, I cried, wrote, took "happy pills" and will live to see another day. Just hopefully not one like this too soon. As crappy as the day is. As much as I don't want to admit it. There were some rays of sunshine in it. I have a great friend who lets me crash in her office during my lunch. I have a great boss who is insanely understanding and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm looking rough. I have sweet students who give me a hug or comforting pat on the back to let me know they care. I have a mom who will listen to me cry from 4+ hours away and tell me crazy stories about how she kept waking up my stepdad last night while she was just trying to turn on the fan, but instead blinded him with the light at 2am. Most important of all, I have a truly amazing, loving, caring, compassionate husband who lays down his life for me everyday. Isaac knew what he was getting into when he married me. And he still did it. I can no longer cook often, clean at all, or do any laundry. It's all his job now and he doesn't mind. He just keeps telling me how special I am to him and how much he loves me and just holds me on those really bad days. I could not have asked for a better man. We will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary this Sunday.
Funny/ironic part is that we are spending part of our anniversary weekend traveling down to Shands in Gainesville (YUCK!) to meet a doctor who can hopefully, finally give me some answers and renewed hope to be in less or no pain. As much as life sucks, there is always a glimmer of hope, but for tonight, I'm not going to try and put on a brave face. I'm just going to take what I need to get relief and let any other tears flow. In the famous words of Scarlet O'Hara, "After all, tomorrow is another day!"
Thank you to all of my friends and family that brighten up my life. You will never understand how much your kinda words or silent hugs mean on days like today.
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