I can't put on my big girl britches today

I have been dealing with spinal complications for the past 12+ years.  It wasn't until the past 4-5 years that things have gotten really bad with the degeneration and pain levels.  Currently I am dealing with scoliosis, spinabifda, arthritis, a severely bulging disc, 3 herniated discs, 3 tears in my discs and degenerative disc disease.  This is all located withing 7 bones in my lower back.  Sounds fun, right?

I have always tried to be a positive person and some of the quotes I live by are "On the bright side..." and "Put on your big girl britches and move on."  Both of these are meant to be inspirational and remind me that yes, some days are not the best, but there is always something good, some glimmer of hope if you just take the time to look for it.

Well, today just flat out sucks! (Mom, if you are reading this one, I know you have the "s" word, but just deal with it today, ok?)  Living a life where pain is constantly present isn't fun or easy no matter how many smiles you can put on your face.  I haven't had a fully pain free day in years.  If you have ever been to the hospital in pain; typically you will see a little chart that helps you define you pain on a scale from 1-10.

That is basically the chart I was looking for.  This one is my favorite, because it's more than just happy and sad faces.  It describes your limitations and helps put into worse the amount of pain you are experiencing.

Well, back to my point, on my best days I am at a 2.  Most typical days I am at a 4-5.  Today I was a 10.  If only 10's were perfect scores; my life would be happier.  Unfortunately not the case here.  I have good days and I have bad days.  Today was just a flat out horrible day.  I made it through as much work as possible and almost lasted the whole day until I could no longer find a comfortable position, couldn't see straight and was about to cry again.

Pain sucks.  That's all there is to it.  Most days I can put on my big girl britches and be just fine.  Today was not one of those days.  As much as I advocate for finding the bright side to a situation or putting on your big kid britches, it doesn't always work.  Sometimes you just need to stop and cry.  You can't always play a superhero.  Even some of them eventually die.    It is horrible living in pain.  Most people have no idea what you are going through.  Others look at you like you are crazy, because you are only 25.  It makes you feel really alone and alienated.  Life just doesn't seem fair.

Today was one of those days.  Sometimes, just a cry can bring some relief in itself.  Today, I cried, wrote, took "happy pills" and will live to see another day.  Just hopefully not one like this too soon.  As crappy as the day is. As much as I don't want to admit it.  There were some rays of sunshine in it.  I have a great friend who lets me crash in her office during my lunch.  I have a great boss who is insanely understanding and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm looking rough.  I have sweet students who give me a hug or comforting pat on the back to let me know they care.  I have a mom who will listen to me cry from 4+ hours away and tell me crazy stories about how she kept waking up my stepdad last night while she was just trying to turn on the fan, but instead blinded him with the light at 2am.  Most important of all, I have a truly amazing, loving, caring, compassionate husband who lays down his life for me everyday.  Isaac knew what he was getting into when he married me.  And he still did it.  I can no longer cook often, clean at all, or do any laundry.  It's all his job now and he doesn't mind.  He just keeps telling me how special I am to him and how much he loves me and just holds me on those really bad days.  I could not have asked for a better man.  We will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary this Sunday.

Funny/ironic part is that we are spending part of our anniversary weekend traveling down to Shands in Gainesville (YUCK!) to meet a doctor who can hopefully, finally give me some answers and renewed hope to be in less or no pain.  As much as life sucks, there is always a glimmer of hope, but for tonight, I'm not going to try and put on a brave face.  I'm just going to take what I need to get relief and let any other tears flow.  In the famous words of Scarlet O'Hara, "After all, tomorrow is another day!"

Thank you to all of my friends and family that brighten up my life.  You will never understand how much your kinda words or silent hugs mean on days like today.