Scars? Bring 'em on!!!

People have different perceptions about scars.  I was in my Vascular Surgeon’s office again yesterday (they should just hire me on at this point) and we agreed I was healing nicely and minimal drainage.   This is very good news that we were both excited about and instead of a weekly chat, we can now go a month without seeing each other.  Yay!  Before I left he made a comment about how nice my scar was going to look and that it would be better than the scar 2 inches over from it that was done by another surgeon.  This made me chuckle a bit.  Some surgeons are all about fixing the problem no matter the cost and other are all about what the skin will look like when all is said and done.  I’ve had both.

In the past 10 years, I have been cut on by 5 surgeons and gone through 9 surgeries.  I’m not one to shy away from a knife when it’s needed and nothing else works.  In fact, from the car accident, I still have 2 more surgeries I need.  One is rather minor and will have me down for about 24 hours.  The other…a bit more invasive.   Like I said, surgery doesn’t bother me.

A lot of people freak out about having a scar. They feel less beautiful and like the world will shun them.  Not me.  I embrace it. To me, scars are history lessons.  They remind us of what we have overcome.  We all have storms in our life which we have to weather and overcome.  When I have crappy days, all I have to do is look in the mirror and I can see that I’ve overcome torn ligaments, huge cysts, bones that rub on each other and destroy things, lack of circulation which could have resulted in me losing more than just a rib, and now a really rare and very leaky complication.  And those are just some of the physical scars.  Sure, it’s a lot and none of it was really fun, but in the end I can say I won.  I have conquered so much and every scar makes me stronger. 

Call me strange, but I would never want a scar to fully disappear.  It’s nice to have a little bit of history to look back on for some encouragement during the next storm.  Next up…the neurosurgeon.  J

Easter Traditions

Growing up we would all (and by all I mean 20-30 ppl) gather at my grandmothers house for Easter at 2pm.  Yes, dinner at 2pm.  Must be a German thing. All the grandkids would get Easter baskets from walmart filled with candy that was possibly stale. In more recent years, I have been the one to play the Easter bunny and go out back to hide eggs for the younger grandkids.  After the egg hunt, everyone would come inside for dinner and stare questionably at the colored eggs that had been sitting out on the table for 3+ hours and wonder which adult would be the brave one to eat an egg first.  It was always a lot of fun spending time with family and catching up on life.

Isaac and I had our first Easter together back in 2005.  It was rather amusing to see him interact with my family. Later on I had learned that his family never did many things like that growing up.  It was always a quick dinner and "Happy Easter".  Seeing him in this new environment was quite comical.  He loved watching the egg hunt and now participates in hiding them with me.  All the family and all the food blew him away.

This year, we are staying in Tallahassee.  I miss my family a lot.  I sit here and think about watching Jake look for eggs and my Uncle Marvin teaching the kids to crack eggs open with their heads.  I think about the deviled eggs that mom is required to make and the 5+ desserts my grams bought.  It's hard not being there.

A few years ago, we began a new tradition on the family gatherings I wasn't able to make.  I call it "phone hot-potato".  The family still gathers at 2pm. I wait until at least 2:30 for the stragglers to get there and then I call.  It starts with gram or gramps answering the phone and then it gets passed to the next closest person and so on.  After about 30 minutes, I have talked to everyone and have said my Happy Easters.  After I hang up, I laugh and cry about how much I miss my crazy family, lunatics and all.

Growing up, I couldn't wait to go off to college.  I graduated in 2008 and have stayed in Tally for various reasons.  Now, I can't wait to move back home.  All I can say is "soon, but not soon enough".  I miss my family dearly and can't wait to see you this summer.  I love you all and to my friends and family, I wish you a Happy and Blessed Easter!

It's been a while and life can change in an instant

Soooo, It's been quite a while since I have sat down to write and I miss it.  Recently I have had the lesson about how life can literally change in an instant reiterated in my life.  About 7 weeks ago I was in a fairly serious car accident.  One moment I was driving to work down a semi-back road (they are usually safer, right???) and the next thing I know I am on a different road facing a different direction and there is pain.  I know people's first thoughts in an accident are usually along the lines of "OMG!"  Not mine.  My thought was, "You've got to be kidding me.  Someone needs to call Isaac and my mom.  Oh and can't forget to tell the boss I won't be in today."

Let's back up a little bit.  Before the accident, life was going pretty well.  I was doing great at work and learning new things.  My back pain was minimal and pretty stable.  Husband and I had just gotten back from our anniversary trip to see Mickey (where else would we have gone?).  We had booked our cruise for the week before Christmas and came up with a payment plan.  My pups were sweet as ever and having a great time playing fetch at the puppy playground.  Life was good.

Then I see something out of the corner of my eye and focused on this teenage boy's face with a look of shock as he is barreling toward me and careening into the front driver side of my car.  **Insert info given above** At first I thought the kid had driven off.  Apparently when he realized that there were at least 5-10 witnesses of road work crew right there, he pulled over in a drive way.  My body instantly hated me and shortly there after I found myself being pulled out of my car and onto a backboard.  They are less fun than they look.  :)

As I'm lying in the ambulance, the EMT leans over me (mind you my head is strapped down to this board along with the rest of my body) and says, "Some guy just tore in here on a small scooter thing. Do you know him?"  I laughed and announced that he was my husband.  She responded, "What? You didn't want to be transported to the hospital on that?"

At the hospital I was poked, prodded, and drugged.  Since then I have seen 3 different specialists and had 3 different MRI's.  Next up: Nerve conduction tests (I can't feel much in my arm) and more nerve cauterizations. Yay for me!  LOL.

I share all of this to say, "Life happens".  One instant life is peachy.  The next, you now have 2 herniated discs in your neck, have a lower back that's worse, and have almost no strength or feeling in your arm and it's turning funny colors.  I could sit here and be cranky and all "woe is me", but I don't play like that.  Yes, I have my down right painful and crappy days sometimes where I just can't muster a smile. It happens to us all.  On those days where we have the strength to fight the "crankies" that come one, we have to fight with all our might.  I was born a fighter.  My body is messed up.  I know that.  The difference is, I'm not going to let these possibly life long issues (I say possibly because I'm waiting on my miracle) get me down and make me a cranky pants.

One of my awesome aunts sends me letters every so often.  A few years ago she jotted something down on one of those cartoon with a saying notepad things you stick on the fridge.  You know what I'm talking about.  Well, this one had a great saying.  "Put your big girl panties on and get over it."  I laughed when I got it and she said she didn't even realize she sent it on that.  I loved it and now apply it to as much of my life as possible.  Everyday I have a choice.  I can A) let the pain take over and catch the crankies OR B) Put my big girl panties on and take on the world.

Life can and will change in an instant.  How bad that change can be partly depends on how you choose to deal with it.  Today, I put my big girl panties on!

The Game of Life

As kids we played board games and one of my favorites was "Life".  I remember playing and thinking how unrealistic this game was.  Now, I find that it was actually semi accurate.

You began the game by choosing whether or not you would attend college and start the game being $40,000 in debt and having to eventually pay it back at $50,000. The other option was skipping college and having a few less career choices.  Even if you went to college, you were not guaranteed a higher paying job.  I would always get frustrated when I did the college route and ended up with the $20,000 or $30,000 a year job.  Growing up, we were told to go to college and get an education so that we could make a lot more money.  That was just how things were.  If you went to college, you were going to be rich as opposed to those who went straight to work after high school.

Real life has now set in.  Being an adult is no where near as fun as it used to seem.  I did the college route and came out around $25,000 in debt and more than that to pay back.  I have been out of school for a little over 3 years and am working an ok job which barely pays me $20,000 a year.  I guess that game wasn't so far off after all.

During the game you encounter things like losing your job, getting married, family vacations, car accidents, and putting the kids in school just to name a few.  All these things cost money.  I remember the car accident would cost $5,000 in medical expenses.

In real life, my car accident is costing much more than $5,000 in medical costs alone.  Not to mention the $5,500 (and counting as they find a few more problems) just to fix my poor car.  They never explain to you the mental trauma that happens on top of the physical.  In the game, you just pay the fees and move on with life.

As fun as that game was sometimes, I always thought it was way off base.  Now that my life is being lived, I see how true that game could be.  To paraphrase Ben Franklin, the only things certain in life are death and taxes.  We never know what is going to happen next.  Life is a journey.  I didn't plan to leave college and make $20,000 a year.  My plan was to teach in the local school system starting at $34,000 a year.  I planned to have at least one child by now.  It's been 2 years of trying and I'm not even pregnant.  I planned to be able to go to Daytona today or Bristol or Darlington this spring.  Instead, I was driving to work a little over 2 weeks ago and got hit by a teenage driver.  That accident has thrown a huge wrench in my plans.  Now instead of going to a race, I have to go to a neurosurgeon because I have lost sensitivity in one of my toes and can barely grip anything in my hand to say the least of my problems from it.

Like the game of Life, we never know what joy or catastrophe is around the next bend.  All we can do is live the best life we can and roll with the unexpected.  I am thankful to be alive.  I have a caring family and an amazingly supportive husband who is beyond understanding.  I have friends who want me to come watch the kick off race of the best sport around and they are willing to do whatever it takes to make me as comfortable as possible in my current state.  As crappy as my life of daily pain and frustration seems right now, it could be worse.

Sometimes we just have to remember that life happens and be thankful for those who try to bring us some light in our darker times.  It doesn't matter how much your parents try to prepare you, one is never fully prepared for Life.

2 years already?

Well, I was going to write this post this past week, but a car accident forced me to post pone this particular post.  Last Sunday, February 5, my wonderful and crazily devoted husband and I celebrated our anniversary.  Yay!

For our honeymoon two years ago we took a Disney Cruise to the Bahamas.  It was the best trip ever.  Not just because we were newly weds, but because of all the wonderful things there are to do aboard a Disney Cruise.  We enjoyed fine dining, an open ice cream bar, endless buffets for breakfast and lunch, deck parties, fireworks, and spectacular Broadway shows.  That was just aboard the ship.  Isaac and I also had the opportunity to explore Nassau, swim with dolphins, and relax on Disney's Private Island's adults only beach.  Talk about peace and quiet.  We grabbed a couple of hammocks and just enjoyed the bright sunny day with the waves crashing and enjoyed the wowness that God created.  It was a great way to start our life.  You can see pics on my FB page.

For our one year anniversary celebration, we went back to DCL and enjoyed their newest ship.  All the same great fun and much more!  We spent most of our time exploring all the new technology aboard the new ship.  no dolphins this time, but we did take a semi-submarine tour of the different reefs and saw beautiful coral along with gorgeous fish and sharks.  Again we stopped at the private island and found our way back to Serenity Bay.  It was just as magical.

This year we could not keep the cruise trip going as I lost my job for about 3 months last year.  However, my mother gave us some Disney tickets for Christmas and we decided to use them for our anniversary.  We stayed at their Caribbean resort just for the nostalgia.  February was apparently the best time to go.  There were so few people there that we were able to visit all of Hollywood Studios, all of Epcot, and catch a few rides and fireworks over at Magic Kingdom.  We had a blast.  To finish the night off right, we played some Disney Fantasia Mini Golf.  It was great.

I think the best part of our trip was the night before, which was our actual anniversary.  Isaac took me to one of my all time favorite places to eat...NASCAR Sports Grille!  It's at Universal Citywalk.  If you have never been, you must go.  They have real trophies all around the place.  Two actual Nascar Sprint Cup Series cars parked out front and if you go up to the second floor for dining, there are 2 older model cup cars suspended from the ceiling.  During an actual race they will turn the cars on at certain times and you can feel the engine roar deep in your bones and watch the tires spin above your head.  Even if you aren't a big Nascar fan, you would still enjoy the experience.

Over the past two years we have for sure had our trials and tribulations.  There have been plenty of days we are reminded of the "in sickness and health" vows.  And many of the poorer days...we are still waiting on the richer  :)  .  Through it all, we have grown closer each day.  Every day I fall more in love with him and become more proud of his accomplishments and goals that he attains.  We knew life wouldn't be easy for us, but we have more than made it work.  It's still just the two of us and our two pups for now and life isn't too bad given the circumstances.  Oh, and that little vow he made about letting me attend at least one Nascar race a year...he's kept it!

It's been a great life so far and I only look forward to it getting better.  :D

I can't put on my big girl britches today

I have been dealing with spinal complications for the past 12+ years.  It wasn't until the past 4-5 years that things have gotten really bad with the degeneration and pain levels.  Currently I am dealing with scoliosis, spinabifda, arthritis, a severely bulging disc, 3 herniated discs, 3 tears in my discs and degenerative disc disease.  This is all located withing 7 bones in my lower back.  Sounds fun, right?

I have always tried to be a positive person and some of the quotes I live by are "On the bright side..." and "Put on your big girl britches and move on."  Both of these are meant to be inspirational and remind me that yes, some days are not the best, but there is always something good, some glimmer of hope if you just take the time to look for it.

Well, today just flat out sucks! (Mom, if you are reading this one, I know you have the "s" word, but just deal with it today, ok?)  Living a life where pain is constantly present isn't fun or easy no matter how many smiles you can put on your face.  I haven't had a fully pain free day in years.  If you have ever been to the hospital in pain; typically you will see a little chart that helps you define you pain on a scale from 1-10.

That is basically the chart I was looking for.  This one is my favorite, because it's more than just happy and sad faces.  It describes your limitations and helps put into worse the amount of pain you are experiencing.

Well, back to my point, on my best days I am at a 2.  Most typical days I am at a 4-5.  Today I was a 10.  If only 10's were perfect scores; my life would be happier.  Unfortunately not the case here.  I have good days and I have bad days.  Today was just a flat out horrible day.  I made it through as much work as possible and almost lasted the whole day until I could no longer find a comfortable position, couldn't see straight and was about to cry again.

Pain sucks.  That's all there is to it.  Most days I can put on my big girl britches and be just fine.  Today was not one of those days.  As much as I advocate for finding the bright side to a situation or putting on your big kid britches, it doesn't always work.  Sometimes you just need to stop and cry.  You can't always play a superhero.  Even some of them eventually die.    It is horrible living in pain.  Most people have no idea what you are going through.  Others look at you like you are crazy, because you are only 25.  It makes you feel really alone and alienated.  Life just doesn't seem fair.

Today was one of those days.  Sometimes, just a cry can bring some relief in itself.  Today, I cried, wrote, took "happy pills" and will live to see another day.  Just hopefully not one like this too soon.  As crappy as the day is. As much as I don't want to admit it.  There were some rays of sunshine in it.  I have a great friend who lets me crash in her office during my lunch.  I have a great boss who is insanely understanding and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm looking rough.  I have sweet students who give me a hug or comforting pat on the back to let me know they care.  I have a mom who will listen to me cry from 4+ hours away and tell me crazy stories about how she kept waking up my stepdad last night while she was just trying to turn on the fan, but instead blinded him with the light at 2am.  Most important of all, I have a truly amazing, loving, caring, compassionate husband who lays down his life for me everyday.  Isaac knew what he was getting into when he married me.  And he still did it.  I can no longer cook often, clean at all, or do any laundry.  It's all his job now and he doesn't mind.  He just keeps telling me how special I am to him and how much he loves me and just holds me on those really bad days.  I could not have asked for a better man.  We will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary this Sunday.

Funny/ironic part is that we are spending part of our anniversary weekend traveling down to Shands in Gainesville (YUCK!) to meet a doctor who can hopefully, finally give me some answers and renewed hope to be in less or no pain.  As much as life sucks, there is always a glimmer of hope, but for tonight, I'm not going to try and put on a brave face.  I'm just going to take what I need to get relief and let any other tears flow.  In the famous words of Scarlet O'Hara, "After all, tomorrow is another day!"

Thank you to all of my friends and family that brighten up my life.  You will never understand how much your kinda words or silent hugs mean on days like today.

Flat Butt Syndrome

I know it's been over a week since I last wrote.  Work had me worn out last week and also provided my topic for today: Flat Butt Syndrome.

FBS is a very serious epidemic effecting our society today.  With more and more jobs involving technology and hours of sitting at a desk every day, Flat Butt Syndrome has spread across the nation.  It effects every single office worker who does not take proper precautionary measures.  It doesn't matter if you have a young, happy, bubble butt or just a large derriere from too much southern cooking, if you aren't careful you will become a victim.

So this all started last week when a friend of mine kept having different work questions come up and instead of using email or gchat, she would get up every single time and walk down the hall and across the large room to my desk.  After the 3rd or 4th time that morning, I reminded her that she had gchat and was more than welcome to ask me anything through that.  That's when I was made aware of FBS.  She informed me that while she could very easily ask me through the chat anything, she wanted to avoid flat butt.  I totally laughed at her and told her she was crazy.  Then we went for a walk around the office and checked out some rumps of those that had been working in an office environment for 5+ years.  I was amazed at the amount of people whole literally had butts so flat that they were almost non existent.

Once I realized that my friend was not as crazy as I had once presumed, I asked her how I could avoid this seemingly unavoidable demise.  Her answer was simple, get up and move.  Every time she has a question, she walks to the person for an answer.  This small walk isn't just to get some face time or possibly better understanding, but to make sure your rump stays nice and plump.  I have now taken actions to get up from my desk every 15-20 minutes to walk to the printer or around the office, not just to loosen up my back, but to also prevent FBS.

As funny as it is, take a look around next time you are out and about.  You will begin to see it EVERYWHERE!  So do your part starting this week.  Get up for at least a minute walk or stretch in the morning and again in the afternoon, not just at lunch.  Let's keep our perky-ish derrieres and take a stand against Flat Butts today!