I can't put on my big girl britches today

I have been dealing with spinal complications for the past 12+ years.  It wasn't until the past 4-5 years that things have gotten really bad with the degeneration and pain levels.  Currently I am dealing with scoliosis, spinabifda, arthritis, a severely bulging disc, 3 herniated discs, 3 tears in my discs and degenerative disc disease.  This is all located withing 7 bones in my lower back.  Sounds fun, right?

I have always tried to be a positive person and some of the quotes I live by are "On the bright side..." and "Put on your big girl britches and move on."  Both of these are meant to be inspirational and remind me that yes, some days are not the best, but there is always something good, some glimmer of hope if you just take the time to look for it.

Well, today just flat out sucks! (Mom, if you are reading this one, I know you have the "s" word, but just deal with it today, ok?)  Living a life where pain is constantly present isn't fun or easy no matter how many smiles you can put on your face.  I haven't had a fully pain free day in years.  If you have ever been to the hospital in pain; typically you will see a little chart that helps you define you pain on a scale from 1-10.

That is basically the chart I was looking for.  This one is my favorite, because it's more than just happy and sad faces.  It describes your limitations and helps put into worse the amount of pain you are experiencing.

Well, back to my point, on my best days I am at a 2.  Most typical days I am at a 4-5.  Today I was a 10.  If only 10's were perfect scores; my life would be happier.  Unfortunately not the case here.  I have good days and I have bad days.  Today was just a flat out horrible day.  I made it through as much work as possible and almost lasted the whole day until I could no longer find a comfortable position, couldn't see straight and was about to cry again.

Pain sucks.  That's all there is to it.  Most days I can put on my big girl britches and be just fine.  Today was not one of those days.  As much as I advocate for finding the bright side to a situation or putting on your big kid britches, it doesn't always work.  Sometimes you just need to stop and cry.  You can't always play a superhero.  Even some of them eventually die.    It is horrible living in pain.  Most people have no idea what you are going through.  Others look at you like you are crazy, because you are only 25.  It makes you feel really alone and alienated.  Life just doesn't seem fair.

Today was one of those days.  Sometimes, just a cry can bring some relief in itself.  Today, I cried, wrote, took "happy pills" and will live to see another day.  Just hopefully not one like this too soon.  As crappy as the day is. As much as I don't want to admit it.  There were some rays of sunshine in it.  I have a great friend who lets me crash in her office during my lunch.  I have a great boss who is insanely understanding and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm looking rough.  I have sweet students who give me a hug or comforting pat on the back to let me know they care.  I have a mom who will listen to me cry from 4+ hours away and tell me crazy stories about how she kept waking up my stepdad last night while she was just trying to turn on the fan, but instead blinded him with the light at 2am.  Most important of all, I have a truly amazing, loving, caring, compassionate husband who lays down his life for me everyday.  Isaac knew what he was getting into when he married me.  And he still did it.  I can no longer cook often, clean at all, or do any laundry.  It's all his job now and he doesn't mind.  He just keeps telling me how special I am to him and how much he loves me and just holds me on those really bad days.  I could not have asked for a better man.  We will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary this Sunday.

Funny/ironic part is that we are spending part of our anniversary weekend traveling down to Shands in Gainesville (YUCK!) to meet a doctor who can hopefully, finally give me some answers and renewed hope to be in less or no pain.  As much as life sucks, there is always a glimmer of hope, but for tonight, I'm not going to try and put on a brave face.  I'm just going to take what I need to get relief and let any other tears flow.  In the famous words of Scarlet O'Hara, "After all, tomorrow is another day!"

Thank you to all of my friends and family that brighten up my life.  You will never understand how much your kinda words or silent hugs mean on days like today.

Flat Butt Syndrome

I know it's been over a week since I last wrote.  Work had me worn out last week and also provided my topic for today: Flat Butt Syndrome.

FBS is a very serious epidemic effecting our society today.  With more and more jobs involving technology and hours of sitting at a desk every day, Flat Butt Syndrome has spread across the nation.  It effects every single office worker who does not take proper precautionary measures.  It doesn't matter if you have a young, happy, bubble butt or just a large derriere from too much southern cooking, if you aren't careful you will become a victim.

So this all started last week when a friend of mine kept having different work questions come up and instead of using email or gchat, she would get up every single time and walk down the hall and across the large room to my desk.  After the 3rd or 4th time that morning, I reminded her that she had gchat and was more than welcome to ask me anything through that.  That's when I was made aware of FBS.  She informed me that while she could very easily ask me through the chat anything, she wanted to avoid flat butt.  I totally laughed at her and told her she was crazy.  Then we went for a walk around the office and checked out some rumps of those that had been working in an office environment for 5+ years.  I was amazed at the amount of people whole literally had butts so flat that they were almost non existent.

Once I realized that my friend was not as crazy as I had once presumed, I asked her how I could avoid this seemingly unavoidable demise.  Her answer was simple, get up and move.  Every time she has a question, she walks to the person for an answer.  This small walk isn't just to get some face time or possibly better understanding, but to make sure your rump stays nice and plump.  I have now taken actions to get up from my desk every 15-20 minutes to walk to the printer or around the office, not just to loosen up my back, but to also prevent FBS.

As funny as it is, take a look around next time you are out and about.  You will begin to see it EVERYWHERE!  So do your part starting this week.  Get up for at least a minute walk or stretch in the morning and again in the afternoon, not just at lunch.  Let's keep our perky-ish derrieres and take a stand against Flat Butts today!

Get out of the way! My family is trying to save someone's life!

Ok, so tonight I have a serious rant.  Having grown up in a family of firemen, I am crazy sensitive to when emergency vehicles are approaching me whether I am a pedestrian or in a vehicle.  Every time I see an ambulance, I pray for the patient and those treating them.  Every time I see a policeman, I smile and pray for their safety.  Every time I see fireman, I get teary eyed and pray for all firefighters and especially my own.  These are the people that take a lot of flack and don't always get the respect they deserve for being willing to save your life at a moments notice.

If you pay attention, you will notice that when a fire truck is barreling down the road to come to the rescue, the lights and sirens are on and the driver is blaring his/her horn at anyone that won't get out of the way.  I find myself joining in with my horn and yelling at the moron who could be causing the responders to loose precious time in possibly saving a life. If you see the lights, GET OUT OF THE FRICKIN WAY!!!!  It's that simple.  I really wish that there were cameras on the truck that somehow or other could take pictures of the license plates of the morons that don't get out of the way and send them a $500 ticket for putting their neighbors life at more of a risk and delaying the help someone needs.

Also, frogger is not a real game and probably the worst game ever.  Don't be stupid and drink and decide it is a good idea  to play this game in real life.  Some guy did.  My uncle, an asst chief, was responding to a call.  It was dark.  The guy drinking stepped into the way of an oncoming vehicle with lights and sirens blaring.  The guy is dead.  Now my uncle has to live with killing someone for life.  It wasn't his fault.  There was nothing he could do.  By the time the truck was stopped and my uncle was out to assist in attempting to save the guy's life, it was too late.

I love and respect firemen.  I have many in my family and many more that are friends.  To my friends that put their lives on the line daily by serving this country and those serving their communities, I say Thank You.  You are some of the bravest individuals I know and will always be my heros.

I'm glad my uncle is alright.  Honestly, I don't know what I would do without him.  He has always been the father I never had.  I love my uncle and know that all I can do right now is pray for him in this trying time and remind others to simply get out of the way. Next time you see a man or woman in uniform, take time to thank them for their service.  You might need it one day.  And next time you see lights flashing and hear the sirens wailing, pull over to the side.  After all, it could be your family or house they are headed to. As I always end my calls with my uncle, stay safe!

I didn't hear you, I'm deaf...or so they thought :)

So, as I was talking with my mother last night, I was reminded of a funny little thing that occurred during one of our race weekends.  It was April of 2009 and we were going to our first Talladega race.  (yes, the Talladega my sweet puppy boy was named after)  If you know anything about Talladega, Alabama, then you know there is literally nothing there besides a track, a small gas station and a few hidden homes.  If you go to the race; you either camp outside the track or stay in one of the towns 30+ minutes away.

Mom and I stayed in this quaint little town of Gardendale, AL.  The day before the race we went shopping at some mall it took hours to find.  Yes, we went shopping on this trip just like all our other trips (Surprise, Surprise).  Well, after leaving the mall, we decided to stop and eat before going back to the hotel.  There was some really run down, scary looking burger place or KFC.  Not much of a decision needed to be made.

We went inside and ordered our food and went to sit and eat.  It was rather chilly inside the KFC, so I decided to run out to the car real quick to grab a sweatshirt and avoid freezing while eating.  As I walked out to the car, this other vehicle with occupants that looked like they might be from the hood pulled up right next to ours.  They weren't exactly the crowd I felt like interacting with although they were trying to get my attention and ask for directions as I was leaning in my car to find my sweatshirt.  After 5 seconds of not answering them, they became a bit more obnoxious.  I decided to continue ignoring them as they seemed slightly intoxicated (slurred words and obnoxious).

As I was about to stand up from leaning into my car and walk back inside they honked the horn at me twice to get my attention as I was standing up.  This really rubbed me the wrong way, so I decided to be a bit dramatic.  I stood up and turned around to them with a complete look of shock on my face and said not a word.  The driver who was now laughing because he finally got my attention began to ask me for directions.  So I just kind of stared at him and used my ASL to sign that I was deaf and not hearing.  I played off that I totally didn't hear/comprehend a word the dude said and signed that I was sorry, but that I didn't understand him.  He and his friends all of a sudden got really quiet and bashful.  I have never seen an obnoxious punk look that embarrassed.  He started telling me he was sorry really loudly (as most people do thinking that will make the deaf hear them better) and threw his car into reverse and peeled out of that parking lot as quickly as he could.

I walked back into the restaurant laughing hysterically and told my mom all about it.  That was probably one of the funniest things I have ever done to teach an obnoxious jerk a lesson.  My ASL professor got a kick out of the story too the following week.

Lesson to be learned: never be an obnoxious dork to someone with a twisted sense of humor or you will likely be humiliated.  Hope this little story brightened your day!

What's your sign?

Ok, now that I have gotten your attention, you should know that there is no way I would ever be fiddling with astrology and the crock that comes with it.  What I am talking about here is the beautiful language of ASL.  Growing up in a large church meant having an interpreter for the deaf in the main service.  I remember always watching and studying him or her.  It was beautiful.  They way they moved with fluidity and the expressions on their faces or those moments when the pastor would say something slang that was hard to interpret and the look of frustration on their faces.  It was great.  There was a guy a few years older than me, I was never close to him, but I would watch from across the room when he and his sister would converse.  Watching someone use American Sign Language is captivating.

I always wanted to learn ASL, but never had the chance.  Sure, we learned the abc's in kindergarten and the signs to the song "Jesus Loves Me".  That doesn't cut it.  It wasn't until it was time to sign up for my classes for my sophomore year, that I realized the opportunity was right there.  At Florida State, as I am sure it is with many other universities, you are required to take two semesters of a foreign language in order to earn your degree.  I had taken Spanish in high school and wasn't all that thrilled about doing it again.  French was just too sloppy for me.  Then my academic adviser suggested American Sign Language.  I thought, "It's English.  There is no way it counts as a foreign language."  Oh how wrong I was.  I signed up for the class excited that I was finally going to get to learn sign and get an easy "A".

Fall term came and I walked into my most anticipated class.  The teacher was up at the front messing with the computer and prompter to show our syllabus and there was a lady standing next to him.  She looked too old to be taking a bachelor's level college course.  I sat down with a friend of mine and class began.  The teacher, Alex, started signing at a normal speed (which is pretty fast).  We all had a look of confusion on our faces.  What was going on?  Then he pointed to the lady, she walked over and began to interpret what he was saying.  We were informed that our teacher for ASL 1 was, in fact, deaf himself and that she would only be there for this class period only.  After that first day, we were going to be on our own.  Talk about being thrown to the wolves.  Your teacher is deaf and you know nothing about sign language or the deaf community.

The semester went on and after a few weeks I was completely comfortable with Alex as a teacher.  He was great!  We would play different games in order to see how hard it was for a deaf person to communicate in a  hearing world.  In one class he was teaching us about how phone calls are made and even made a call in the middle of class for us.  I learned a good deal of sign language in that class and was excited to keep going.  At the end of the semester, he gave each of us a sign name and invited us to a "deaf dinner."  Apparently, this deaf dinner thing happens every month in the local mall food court.  Much of the deaf community gathers and eats from what ever place they want while conversing with each other.  They were informed that ASL students would be there and allowed us to watch and even taught us a few things while there too.  It was one of the most amazing experiences in college.

The next semester I signed up for ASL 2 and found a class on the deaf community.  During my Deaf Culture class I was amazed at the capability of the deaf community.  Best part of the semester was that both my DC and my ASL 2 classes were taught by two different deaf people.  Now I really had to know my signs.  Try asking a professor a question with signs.  It gets pretty hysterical at times.  My eyes were opened almost every day.  From the deaf schools and communities to the deaf comedy clubs, it was wonderful.  I continued on to ASL 3 and became somewhat friends with my teacher (she taught me ASL 2 the previous semester).  It was nice to be able to converse with her about her family and I remember that one day I had gotten my hair cut.  This was something that most of my close friends had not noticed.  I walked into class and quietly sat down.  Class began and she saw me and did a double take.  She ordered me to stand up (the deaf don't comprehend the word embarrassment) in the middle of the class just so she could see me better.  Then she began applauding.  I had no idea what she was doing.  Then she started motioning like she was cutting her hair and pointed at me and told me it was beautiful and she loved it.  I thanked her and sat down completely embarrassed and laughing to myself.

It is amazing how many things we miss as the hearing.  The senses of the deaf are amazing.  If you would like to see more of how the deaf interact with the hearing, I have recently found a new show that I have fallen in love with.  "Switched at Birth"  You can find it on ABC Family and play catch up on their website.  Right now that have all 11 episodes that have aired so far.  http://abcfamily.go.com/shows/switched-at-birth/videos You will learn a lot about ASL, the deaf, and even some signs yourself.

I am still somewhat obsessed with the deaf.  Recently I have thought about going back from some ASL refresher courses and getting my certification or even getting a second degree in Communication Disorders.  Who knows what crazy journey I will embark on next.  In the mean time, next time you come in contact with a deaf person, smile and wave.  Maybe even engage them in a conversation.  They aren't mutants and you can't catch being deaf.  This group of people are just like you and me with the only exception of a different form of communication.

Remember, you could be treated and shunned just like they are daily.  Next time you think you have it bad because everyone laughs at the two different shoes you put on for work that morning, look on the bright side, you're not deaf and made fun of for it.  Embrace the deaf and you may even make a life time friend.

Oh, and my sign is a "B" while doing the sign/motion for a happy face or smile.  :) Catch ya later!